All the following thoughts will probably be made into a song.
sometimes I live life just because I have no other choice. obviously, that sounds super pessimistic and discrediting of all the blessings that have been showered upon me, but, thay's just how it is. ..attempt to give some clarity to what I'm saying: I LOVE MY LIFE, but there are times that I let things become dull.
whenever these monotonous days come around (days that typically turn into weeks), I give the whole situation as little attention as possible. I may heed the fact that everything seems a bit useless, but what i know counters the way things seem. I know that I'm alive for a purpose. praise Jesus.
anyway, when life seems dull, and when everything seems useless, there are things that bring me back to feeling really alive. so far, they're basically all adrenaline rushes, but they feel good.
1. riding roller coasters
2. freezing cold showers
3. watching thrillers
4. running in the dark
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Friday, September 17, 2010
Just Because I Can't Get It Straight Unless I Write It Out..
I don't like journaling because my hands cramp. Blogging seems to be just the perfect alternative. Because there are some thoughts that can't be captured before my hands cramp, so why not type them? wait.. type what, your hands or your thoughts?
HAA, my thoughts, silly!
to cut to the chase, the following is a question I've been consumed with lately..
what are you supposed to do when you're trying your best but disappointing everyone?
... all I know is what I shouldn't do:
cry about it
get wrapped up in making people happy, that's not my job
give up trying my best
blame my deficiencies on other people
take out my wounded pride on my friends
ALL MY LIFE, I have had the ability to approach a problem, or a question in my head, with confidence because I knew I would overcome it, or.. answer it.
example: "Why does he act that way?.... because he's selfish, i was mean to him, and he is having a rough time right now." problem solved
example: "Why do I suffer even though I live for Christ?" (okay, I've never really asked this question, because I've always known the answer...*PRIDE* ugh.) "Because the world does not love Christ, so standing up for His name and living in His love will lead to temporary suffering."
even in the past year, I have felt that way. That I can solve anything on my own. and that is so wrong, so ignorant of the fact that I have such limited knowledge.
but, due to recent experiences, I have been questioning everything. well, at least, questioning everything I have ever came up with on my own. which is probably a good thing. it just hurts. and hinders motivation to thrive in this thing called life.
I know what it looks like to be doing the right things, to be living the right way.. and for the most part, I do that.
I go to school and enjoy it, trying my best to get good grades.
I strive to be the best friend I can be.
I am working on being a better daughter, sister, and most of all better child of God.
but I don't feel motivation. I wake up and feel indifferent.
but I know I should be motivated. I should wake up with a purpose.
but I don't.
and I don't know how to fix it.
HAA, my thoughts, silly!
to cut to the chase, the following is a question I've been consumed with lately..
what are you supposed to do when you're trying your best but disappointing everyone?
... all I know is what I shouldn't do:
cry about it
get wrapped up in making people happy, that's not my job
give up trying my best
blame my deficiencies on other people
take out my wounded pride on my friends
ALL MY LIFE, I have had the ability to approach a problem, or a question in my head, with confidence because I knew I would overcome it, or.. answer it.
example: "Why does he act that way?.... because he's selfish, i was mean to him, and he is having a rough time right now." problem solved
example: "Why do I suffer even though I live for Christ?" (okay, I've never really asked this question, because I've always known the answer...*PRIDE* ugh.) "Because the world does not love Christ, so standing up for His name and living in His love will lead to temporary suffering."
even in the past year, I have felt that way. That I can solve anything on my own. and that is so wrong, so ignorant of the fact that I have such limited knowledge.
but, due to recent experiences, I have been questioning everything. well, at least, questioning everything I have ever came up with on my own. which is probably a good thing. it just hurts. and hinders motivation to thrive in this thing called life.
I know what it looks like to be doing the right things, to be living the right way.. and for the most part, I do that.
I go to school and enjoy it, trying my best to get good grades.
I strive to be the best friend I can be.
I am working on being a better daughter, sister, and most of all better child of God.
but I don't feel motivation. I wake up and feel indifferent.
but I know I should be motivated. I should wake up with a purpose.
but I don't.
and I don't know how to fix it.
Friday, September 10, 2010
boo
happiness was never so much of a lie
than forty years down the road when she looked into his eyes
this was supposed to last forever
how come it all went wrong?
the static on the radio drowned out the word
we deciphered everything, but no one else heard
the cry of the mother who would never hold her child
as the broken soul ascended to the sky
This is why I can't be your valentine
tonight, or tomorrow
time and time and time again I've tried to explain
the problems that came my way but to you it's all the same
I know you hoped to understand
but we are different, and I don't think that you can
the other day a stranger called my friend a name
it was so out of place but she did not complain
of course, it's not a crime
but it hurts 'cause she gets it all the time
This is why I can't be your valentine
tonight, or tomorrow
You keep pushing me away
and I don't even know what to say
but maybe at the end of the day
we'll be in a better place
... maybe not
than forty years down the road when she looked into his eyes
this was supposed to last forever
how come it all went wrong?
the static on the radio drowned out the word
we deciphered everything, but no one else heard
the cry of the mother who would never hold her child
as the broken soul ascended to the sky
This is why I can't be your valentine
tonight, or tomorrow
time and time and time again I've tried to explain
the problems that came my way but to you it's all the same
I know you hoped to understand
but we are different, and I don't think that you can
the other day a stranger called my friend a name
it was so out of place but she did not complain
of course, it's not a crime
but it hurts 'cause she gets it all the time
This is why I can't be your valentine
tonight, or tomorrow
You keep pushing me away
and I don't even know what to say
but maybe at the end of the day
we'll be in a better place
... maybe not
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